When I got time to think, I thanked.

When I got time to think, I realized that 

I have a lot to say… But its all unstructured. 

He came in my life when I had learnt to live my life all alone. I was kind of OK OK with my life. He became a part of my life much much before it was decided that we will be together. 

Yes it is an arranged marriage, he was introduced to me as my mother’s friend’s son. I had a voice call with him, he sounded different. Way different… A person who will definitely be understanding, mature and innocent.  I was not sure. He called me, like daily, I avoided, most of the time. Because for me he was boring like me and I felt two boring person will be superboring for each other.

It was on that day when for some unfortunate reasons I left my job. I did not shared my sorrow with  anyone. At this point of time our marriage was not fixed. I didn’t talked to him as I was in a deep grief. He texted, I replied that I lost my job and went away from all social media. I got a call from him, and his words were so soothing that it made me feel some eternal connection with him. As if , he is there by my side, I am not alone. 

The feeling of loneliness, which was longing with me since past 8 years suddenly went away. Though he was not happy with his life but his presence made my life happy. I decided and gradually started knowing him instead of judging him. As he unfolded, I found that he is me, the very me 7-8 yes ago. He amazed me that he still has that innocence which I lost in due course of life. He has that his aura still has that never say die thing which I gave up in the confrontation that I went through in my world. I admired him, and felt that he is the one who will make me feel the peace that my soul has been craving for. 

Later on, we got engaged. Due to the society that I had grown into, I had no expectations from life being a wife. But he even made me feel like a doll and treated like a wife as and when required. I didn’t fell in love with him. But I fell in trust with him. I fell in love with my life… 

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That day…

My marriage has been fixed! Yeah, I am engaged. Though I never wanted to get married. Why? because I loved my freedom. It’s not that somebody enforced it on me but I enforced it on myself . Reason? I felt that my parents wanted to. Whosoever knew me, were surprised with this news as people never expected me to get married this early. I laughed at their surprising reactions and tend to ignore. But it did killed me. 

My would be husband is a really nice and descent guy but my life goals were different. I was not happy. For me, my dreams were shattering. It was not anyone’s mistake ,it was my choice. I chose to crush my dreams. My in-laws had different expectations from me then I had from me. As the days passed by, my parents tend to take me as guests and they literally started treating me like one!! 

I was not accepted in my in-laws family yet because marriage was still few months far away but I was relieved from my parents house. It was a situation when I felt homeless… And trust me its a terrible feeling. 

But whom should I blame for all these suffocation? Is it my parents? Who did not understood my reason of existence. PR shall I blame the society because of which made marriage a mandate for a girl’s identity. Or shall I blame myself because I gave it up as I did not wanted to win by hurting my parents?

Leaving this to your opinion..

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Just in time

Remember the day when you had been craving for the cake to pop out from oven because you were so much tempted by the mouth- watering smell of it?, what did you do? You waited patiently and allowed to take it time so that you can experience its luscious taste and forget everything in the world!

Our wishes and dreams are also the same case, we want them desperately and we want them now. We want them so desperately that we forgot that everything has its own bruing time. The flavours take time to develop before we get the taste at its best. We get so fed up with the wait that instead of understanding that it will come as it belongs to us we get frustrated. It leaves a feeling of anger, rage and ultimately we attract all the negativity of the universe. In the heat of moment, sometimes, we make permanent damages. Damages like negative reactions to people that might annoy them. With this, we not only harm the people we annoyed but above this, we damage ourselves. We leave a negative impact, thus, destroying our image. Like waiting for the cake, if we keep bringing the cake out of oven just to check whether it is done or nor, we unconsciously affect the final product and covertly harm our baking skills.

On the other face of coin, most of us know the key that things will come on its time but we are not able maintain the patience. I also belong to this category. Based on my personal experiences and learning I have brought you some tricks and tips, which can help you be patient and enjoy the worst waiting scenarios.

1. Understand the importance of waiting: It becomes very difficult when you have to give your 100% effort only in waiting. These are the moments of real life examinations and can stretch your patience to the moon and back. Let us take an example of the time between being jobless and getting a new job. I was once into the situation, after working extensively for five years, for unfortunate reasons I lost my job. I was extremely restless and working was very important and could not afford to live without it as it was the only way of living for me. Searching jobs and jobs portal was of no help. Seemed like a darkness around me and could find no path to move forward. Out of the darkness I realized it is like a vacation to me, I had been working since ages without rest like a machine. The time I got to wait is the moment I can spend with my family. I can clean my home, make supper and go on evening walks- the much awaited things or times that I could have never got if I would not have been jobless!.

2. Live the moment: The most clichéd , yet the perfect way of living in any condition. Let us understand with another example. Most impatient wait is the wedding day. We prepares for the day since months and plan everything to ensure everything goes perfect. Being a bride/groom, fear is on its peak (for the perfect wedding). I have seen people suffering (bad health) and fainting due to the fear of the “moment”. Instead of the fear if they would have enjoyed the moment of shopping, of planning, of inviting guests, of arrangements, of floral decorations and the pleasure of being with relatives, old friends, the live will be much more easier. The moments gone never comes back what remains is the regret of not being in the moment.

3. Let Go, enjoy the uncertainty: We all enjoy when everything is in our control but tend to lose the patience when we certainly becomes uncertain. That is the moment! Apart from all the controlled adventures, we must have enjoyed a thrill, which was unplanned, could be a trip or a random moment. When life is so unsure for the next moment then why crave to control the future? Why not go with the flow and land where life take us? There are times when we are not happy with the life but have no idea where to go and get the happiness we always wanted. Many people get depressed but I call it the best situation because when you are at the lowest step of the ladder, there is only one way and that goes up! Reaching on the top will take time all you have to do is let go, life itself will unfold and show you the way, till then be uncertain (wink).

4. Find substitutes: I feel this is the most therapeutic way of being patient. Reached earlier for the interview and there is enough time for the interview to start. If you feeling impatient in the meanwhile, go grab the magazine or a newspaper. Sometimes it’s good to stay gadget free as well!. If not use your phone and read. You can talk to your friend, with whom you have not talked for long. Just utilize the time in anyway, so that you don’t lose patience and when you go in the room for interview, you look cool, calm and mature. This will also give a good impression of your personality on the interviewer.

All you have to remember that you get everything you wish, in its own time. Don’t lose hope and be creative during the wait. So that when your thing arrives to you in its time, instead of being puzzled and frustrated, you are ready for your masterpiece just in time.


Image Source: http://www.yesofcorsa.com

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If he could fit in my parent’s pocket…!!


I am on that stage if life where I want to be single and enjoy my life being independent. I love my freedom like you. I am happy being single. My life is happening and it has no regrets as of now! I am rejoicing each moment of my life, even my mistakes. Yes, obviously, I break down when it is just not my day, but still my life is just perfect. Yeah, I have ambitions as well and I chase my dreams though at this point of time I could not request God for more.

Somehow, my broadening smile and a hint of wrinkle has put my parents into a pressure of finding me a perfect soulmate. I belong to a typical Indian Family where having a boyfriend is something that still “Sanskari Ladki” should not do. So, my parents took the charge of finding me a Good “Sanskaari Ladka”

And let me tell you how this is done. Firstly, even before my parents think of my marriage, my relative will be worried about my growing age and single hood like hell. As if they are jealous of my parent’s thinking that how could they be so modern to not to think about getting their daughter married even in the age of 23! They would start suggesting all the random guys saying that he has got a hell lot of property and bank balance. Dude!  Am I to find a partner for rest of my life or a bank balance to keep in safe and locks?

This continued until I reached 24, then I got a grey hair all thanks to my free love for pizza & burger. Yes, the right time to search for a groom. “If not now, then when”, having this saying back of the mind, my parents started searching for my soulmate full throttle. They went for well-educated, good looking, decent earning high standard family where my in laws will allow me to follow my dreams.

They got some good options as well but they had their dowry demands. My parents were obviously not against dowry as they considered it a tradition and important because it enhances the chances of respect of bride in her in law’s family. Unfortunately, these decent dowry families could not fit in my parent’s pocket. Then they realized out of nowhere and finally agreed to my clause of marriage, i.e, no dowry.  I reached 25 by the time the learning came and now I have put on some extra inchs on my thighs. Above all, the society (I do not know who these people are) behaved as I am 40 and if I don’t get married this year, I am not going to get any man.

Having experienced the nitty-gritty of Indian arranged marriage conversation, especially the budget, my parents got the idea of the groom market and the business of it. Now they are searching for a guy who could fit in their pocket and their choices doesn’t burn out a hole in the family’s pocket and should be earning enough so that we can be living comfortable. If the family is good and the guy is good looking then that would be icing on the cake. I will be 26 in about 3 months and eagerly waiting to see what qualifications the groom will finally lands with.


Most probably, I will end up with a completely stranger about whom I will only be aware that he earns well and the names and status of his family members. I will not have any information about the man that actually matter like his nature, what he enjoys doing most? His biggest fears? Who is he closest? What are his dreams? His past etc. In fact, a complete stranger…

It really feels very funny to me that it is against our culture to have a boyfriend because he is a stranger and at the same time, it is completely safe to promise to spend the entire life with a stranger because it is backed by a 3-4 days long get together called Indian marriage. It is completely safe to make him your king and let him decide whether to pursue your dreams or not. It is completely safe to let him decide for you and at times stop you for those things as well for which your parents never stopped.

It’s funny but I feel that even today having a boyfriend is like having sex before marriage that too in the era of 90s. Though we are modern and women is on the path of empowerment, marriage is still suffocating girl’s  dream with the pillow of culture and hollow chastity of her family.  Ultimately, be it for any reason, the groom would be the one “if he could fit in the parent’s pocket”


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We are the experts in Holding Back!!!!

 “I want to go dance in the rain. No, no, no… Wait!!… I should not, what people will say?”

This is just a small example for which we might not care but it exists. This is nothing but just a hesitation. Hesitation of being judged, Hesitation of being monitored, Hesitation of coming out of comforts Zone. The hesitation basically is an outcome of the way we are brought up. The manners we are taught and the Moral values we are seeded with.

These values of course got evolved so that we can empathize with each other and respect each other. But in doing so, the evolution has covertly created a differentiation of good and bad.

This good/bad is also very vague as its origin. Thing that gets accepted by majority becomes good and the things which gets discarded, becomes bad. The concept in itself is rooted very deep within all of us and becomes a different matter of awakening.

Holding back is nothing but clinging to what we should let go. We all know that what we have will once become what we had and lead to a possibility of what we will have.  Holding on is the fear of losing what we have and in doing so we close our conscience which has all the ability to explore the possibility of what we can have. Fear comes in because future is uncertain. We are not sure whether the gift that it brings will be equally expensive (emotional attachment) as it is today.


In the process of growing up, we get so much entangled in this fear that we conserve ourselves. Instead of judging our inner soul on our own, we get dependent on the judgment of others. We subside the fact that their judgement will depend on their environment, their upbringing, their morals which will definitely not match in case of anyone else’s context. We are all individuals. Just like our fingerprints nothing will be in common. Then why we should accept the judgement of others and the decisions for granted when they have not lived our life.

The day we would understand our individuality and will respect that, we will be able to appreciate that we should depend on ourselves for defining us. We will no more be bothered about the perception of others about us. We will be able to cherish life and will have no more dependence on holding things for our happiness. We would all have our concepts cleared that whatever future will bring within its uncertainty, will definitely be favorable for us. The fear of loss will end and we will fly …..

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The life I designed….!!!

Though our life is perfect in our way still, we wish we could have a life of more freedom.

We always try to figure out how to live life to its fullest, where we are far, very far from alone. I am not the exception to this. I also wish for some miracle to happen and this entire dreadful world becomes my fairyland. I wish I never have to wet my pillow in the lonely nights. I wish I could be able to cherish my Monday mornings and would have been able to shout and laugh without being noticed by others.

A mid of all my pain and regrets of my life, one day suddenly I decided, I am not going to let this be my life book……

Hai andheri raat par diya jalana kab Mana hain….


Bee on flower

We only live once…!!!!

to be continued

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Making a difference

“Its said that life isn’t about finding yourself, life is all about creating yourself”…

But what I feel is life is too short to be busy in finding or creating oneself. If you don’t want to regret any of the times while you are on the verge of death, live every moment to its fullest. And in doing so  nobody requires any pre-planning. It’s often seen that people do sit and analyse their past, this is where one turns towards the door that makes you feel that sticking to a particular routine in a particular situation is what,  is required to make the full use of the particular moment. But answer this simple question_ how many times we are able to react as per our plans? It’s very hard to stick to a plan and if a person sticks to their plan, in my opinion isn’t he living the life of a robot?

We are humans and are meant to make mistakes, it is inevitable but what we can avoid is thinking and thinking and thinking …. It’s all in our mind, the more we think, the more information we get and the more we explore, we get confused !

It’s not that we should stop thinking, we must think but not always. Take the life as it comes. When the moment comes do not involve yourself into thinking that how to make full use of it, rather live do whatever you find will give happiness to you at that moment. Only then, during 70s when you will look back you will find you have got no moments to regret upon…

Live it out loud like the kids 🙂

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